Labor Support Archives - Bare Birth

Giving Birth with an Abusive Partner

Amanda Hilton — Sun, 26 Nov 2023 21:07:46 +0000

Giving Birth with an Abusive Partner

My Reflections on Birthing with Horrible Labor Support

My first marriage was abusive. We don’t need to spiral into the reasons why I ended up in a verbally, emotionally & physically abusive marriage at 19. I was in it. I was there. I was living an isolated existence in fear. About 5 years into this poor excuse for a life, I was pregnant.

I was shocked. I was excited. I was stressed. I was perpetually nauseous. I was massive. I left him a few months after she was born. Since I cut him out of our lives, and literally cut him out of her birth pictures, I seem to have erased him from the actual birth as well. I retell the story with no mention of him.

In actuality, I have just repressed what it was like to have horrible, controlling, scary, isolating birth support. I use the word support here very loosely.

Control

Abusers need to control you to maintain power. The first power play during my pregnancy came with my choice of providers. I had a lovely midwife doing my routine well woman care. My desire was an unmedicated, low intervention birth so a homebirth with her seemed a natural choice for me.

He didn’t quite agree and very quickly told me the hospital was the only safe place for me to give birth. Even though that is the popular idea in the U.S., that isn’t completely accurate. I wonder if he was truly worried for our safety or if he was just taking away my autonomy. Perhaps, I should have expressed the desire to birth in a hospital to get the homebirth I dreamed of.

So I voraciously began reading all of the natural childbirth books I could find and seeking out an OB that would “allow” me to have the birth I wanted. Again, the only acceptable and safe healthcare choice for a pregnant person apparently. I was now planning a physiologic birth with a surgeon in an institution that didn’t support it.

Even with a “supportive provider” and a birth plan, I was preparing to fight my way through birth policies and procedures instead of just enjoying the process.

Owning Your Birth: Step #1 - Birth Provider

Step #1 of owning your birth (besides ditching the abusive asshole) is choosing your provider and birth place that absolutely, unequivocally aligns with your vision of birth. No working around routines, no bargaining with staff, just support and safety for both you & your baby

Isolation

I was already deeply isolated from having an extensive network of family & friends. I had a few work companions, and no close friends that I hung out with. I did however have close contact with my small, immediate family.

When setting up my support team it looked like, well, just him.

I wanted my mom to be with me during birth desperately since she inspired me with her own amazing birth stories my whole life.

Women need women in birth. That was vetoed on the premise of him just wanting it to be us in the room. I pushed back a bit more than I usually would have, and we agreed that she could film the birth when I was actually pushing.

I did veto his mom who wanted to just hang out in there with me though.

Laboring Solo

When labor began, I just stayed home. For a long time. Alone. With no food or help. He had a handy man at our house fixing some plumbing situation that wasn’t crucial, and I think he spent most of the day with him. Because plumbers need support while they are working, right?

I drove myself (not a practice I usually recommend) to my mom’s house to take a shower, see plumbing issues above. I stopped at a market on the way to get myself some food on the way. I think my mom wanted me to stay so she could support me, but I did a quick photo op once I was scrubbed up and went home, again, driving myself…in labor. I constantly look back on that opportunity to spend my labor getting support from my mom, but I was conditioned to leave.

Back home, things took an interesting twist when “we” decided to walk a few blocks away to a taco joint. Tacos! That I wasn’t eating so my butthole didn’t explode in labor! By this point, I was contracting consistently, and I felt like my insides were planning on falling out. First baby, I was only 3 cm but perspective. He must have been hungry after supporting the plumber all day.

Once at the hospital, I only remember laboring alone in my birth space. I have no freaking idea where he was or what he was doing. In all fairness, when in your birth brain, we don’t remember things as clearly. I literally cannot recall him massaging me or supporting me during any positions at any time.

In the bathroom, vomiting and other fun toileting activities, alone. Showering, alone. Leaning over the bed, rocking and breathing, alone. My knees kept buckling because I was so tired, I was falling asleep. No idea where he was.

Apparently, my mom tried to come into the L&D room to check on me at some point and he slammed the door in her face to prevent it. Alone, alone, alone, alone, alone, alone, alone. I labored alone.

Did my mom end up filming the birth? Yep. She stood in the corner for 3 hours of pushing holding a stupid video camera (before camera phones were a thing).

Even though I was unmedicated, I ended up on the hospital bed, with my “supportive provider” breaking my bags of waters and directing my pushing instead of assisting in positions that would have actually moved her down effectively.

The only time I remember my husband stepping in and “helping” was during this stage of labor. He was a personal trainer. So the only thing he was good at was counting and loudly “inspiring” me like we were in the gym training. I didn’t need anyone counting loudly at my vagina. I was good. .

Owning Your Birth: Step #2 - Support Team

Step #2 of owning your birth is finding your support people. Not the providers – the continuous, amazing, doulas, friends or family that can support you and your partner, because I am hoping you already have an amazing partner.

Finding My Power

I was inspired by my mom to choose a natural, non-medicated birth. My birth unfolded mostly the way I planned (except for the tacos, amnihook and pushing on my back). The choice to forgo medications was mine alone. We did attend birth class together, and I read a ton so I knew my options.

After my birth, he was singing the praises to other pregnant friends about how awesome unmedicated birth is. Really dude!?! You didn’t do shit. You didn’t even support in a way that would have tired you out, but you thought I should work that hard alone. I am curious if he was enjoying my suffering or if he was seeing it as Eve’s punishment since he was one of those God-fearing, church-going abusive types.

I didn’t. I just knew I was a badass powerhouse that could bring my baby into the world, with or without his help. I feel like I regained some of my power during that experience. My power play post birth, still recovering, was to leave the situation with my new baby girl. Nobody deserves to be isolated, controlled, mistreated, demeaned or dismissed, especially when you have the power to create an entire human being and help them land earthside.

Thanks, Faith. Thank you for helping me find my inner strength to make our lives better.

More information on how abuse can affect you and your unborn baby during pregnancy & birth.

If you are in an abusive relationship, there is help. 1-800-799-SAFE

The post Giving Birth with an Abusive Partner appeared first on Bare Birth.

Naked Truth: Labor Support

Amanda Hilton — Thu, 23 Mar 2023 00:35:42 +0000

The Naked Truth about Labor Support

For those Amazing Labor Support Partners

Birth support is seriously hard work. Not nearly as hard as getting the baby out, but it really calls on all of your mental, emotional & physical reserves. After hearing 20 years of birth stories, from both sides, here are a few really helpful tips that you might not get in that birth book.

Know Your Birth Sh*t

Your partner didn’t get pregnant alone so they shouldn’t be the only ones prepping & planning for the upcoming birth. I know the parent actually growing the fetus tends to carry most of the birth load, literally, but it is an actual team effort.

Go to birth classes together. I can’t count the number of solo students in my classes, not because they didn’t have a partner but because they chose not to attend. I know it seems like other matters, like painting the house are priority, but in the grand scheme of things, that paint chip won’t give you the preparation you need and your baby could care less what color you chose.

Learn all about the process of labor and how you can best support it. Talk to other parents to see what worked for them. Practice labor support techniques throughout pregnancy, in and out of class, so you can be a badass in the birth room.

Good Vibes Only

No complaining about how long birth is taking, don’t moan about your own physical discomforts (seriously), no panicking outwardly, and don’t get your feelings hurt if they communicate curtly in labor – they are doing the best they can to even get words out. Period.

Check Your Testosterone at the Birth Door

Protecting your person, including the new little person on their way, is a huge responsibility. Your job is literally to protect the birthing space. Attempt to keep your calm when dealing with staff, even if you are annoyed or angry. Aggression could get you removed from the room entirely, and that makes it really hard to advocate. Deep breaths!

A Clitoral History of Time

Get Cliterate

You’re not alone if the clitoris has elluded you so far, almost the whole of humanity is just discovering the true anatomy and nature of the clitoris. Thank you, doctor Helen O’Connell for finally fully mapping the clitoris in 2005. Yep, not that long ago.

If you were actually born with one, odds are you weren’t taught about it, so we can be sure that people without one are even more confused about it’s placement & function. Why am I even talking about sexual pleasure?

The Naked Truth – the hormones that drive conception & birth are the same. Orgasm releases oxytocin & oxytocin is the sexy goddess hormone that gets that uterus contracting. See where I am going with this?

Learning how to help your partner release oxytocin is beneficial for everyone all around; it provides a hormone boost before labor begins, it might even help kick start labor & yes, dare I go there, even in labor it is beneficial.

Great resources:

Becoming Cliterate: Why Orgasm Equality Matters – and How to Get It by Laurie Mintz

Hygiene Please

I feel like this is self explanatory. Pregnant peeps already have heightened senses and the last thing they need in labor is more smells to annoy them. You are working hard, doing all the hip squeezes, panting & breathing and that hygiene kit is really going to come in handy.

Slather on deodorant if you use it, do a quick teeth cleaning or at least bring gum and mints. They’ll thank you for it!

Stay Sober...Seriously

My own birth doula called me when I was nearing term because she wanted to imbibe a bit that evening. Why did she give me a ring? To make sure labor wasn’t imminent and she would be sloshed instead of supportive.

This is a really good guide for you as well. If your partner is term (37 weeks) or if possible prelabor signs are showing, stay sober. I know it sounds silly, but it happens time and again. It’s your turn to be the DD!

Hit the Gym

Whatever your preferred method of strength training is, you might want to boost your biceps a bit. True labor support can be physically exhausting. They might hit a point where you have to actually hold them up and provide lots of physical support. Massaging for hours and utilizing techniques like the double hip squeeze are other factors that exhaust your muscles. You might be moving, rocking, breathing and upright with them for a lot of labor so stamina and strength are important for the endurance activity that is birth. Just remember that you can’t complain about how tired your arms are – keep that shit to yourself!

Massage, Massage, Massage

Learn how to give a good massage and practice during pregnancy. As a birth doula, this was my #1 utilized skill because it relaxes tense muscles, sends feel good signals up to the brain, relieves pain and releases oxytocin which enhances labor.

There are a lot of techniques and you might use different types of touch in labor + grab a few handy helpers aka hand massagers so you can give your own hands a break and protect your wrists in labor.

You're an Expert

Your birth team is trained in birth, but you know your loved one better than they do. You are way more invested in the outcome of this birth than they are to be honest because this is your life!

Even if you feel out of your depth in the realm of birth, use your intimate knowledge of your partner to support, communicate & advocate in a way that resonates with them. You are already the expert in that arena!

Head here for actual Labor Support Techniques that don't involve hygiene or sobriety!

The post Naked Truth: Labor Support appeared first on Bare Birth.

How Partners Support Breastfeeding

Amanda Hilton — Sun, 05 Feb 2023 15:39:23 +0000

Partner Tips to Support Breastfeeding

Practical Tips + Hands-on Ideas (not on the breast)

How can you support your lactating partner? Breastfeeding/chestfeeding has many benefits, but it can feel demanding & exhausting in the early days. Establishing a milk supply, learning to feed a newborn and finding a new family rhythm consumes loads of caloric, physical, mental and daily energy. Caring partners want to help out, but usually lack the glandular tissue to produce milk. So what can you actually do to help out?

Communicate

I know it seems like I may be stating the obvious here, but do some postpartum planning before birth. Talk with each other about your parenting, eating and sleeping plans ahead of time, for yourselves and for your new baby.

Lack of communication and differing expectations can be a source of frustration as you traverse this new terrain together. Not only do you have to learn to parent, but if you are co-parenting you have to work out a plan that works for everyone, especially your baby. Hold the plans as loosely as you do birth plans, and only try to control what you can, like making sure people feed your family in the early weeks.

When planning to support breastfeeding, the first step is to talk about it together and ask your partner how you can help. What do they need from you to feel successful? If they aren’t quite sure yet, read on for various tips to make you uber supportive.

Learn About Lactation

Take a prenatal bodyfeeding class together to learn the basics. You will gain a deeper understanding of the biological needs of newborns, their feeding behaviors, how to spot hunger cues, the physiology of making milk and how to establish & maintain a supply + early challenges and how to help.

When you know what to expect, it normalizes the experience. Yes, they might eat 8-12 times or more in 24 hours, completely normal!

Massage Skills

Hopefully, you built up lots of massage skills while preparing for birth. Necks and upper backs feel very strained when holding a new baby & feeding frequently. Oxytocin also flows better with relaxation so don’t underestimate the power of a good shoulder massage to release building tension and help milk flow.

Feed Them

Lactation requires more daily calories than pregnancy! Feed them so they can feed the baby. Ensuring they are eating healthy, frequent meals and snacks is important for postnatal recovery and building a milk supply.

Human milk is full of amazing ingredients but it is also mostly water. Keep the liquids flowing since they may feel extremely parched in the middle of a feed.

Beware: The Shared Feeding Trap

Most partners think the best way to share in the feeding responsibility is by actually sharing the feeds. This only works splendidly if you are a lactating partner as well so double breasted households, feed on. This is also an option if babies are drinking exclusively pumped milk or combo feed with formula.

If you aren’t making milk, the logistics of this actually complicate the early milk making process. Instead of just handing off the baby and taking a hot bath, they must pump ahead to make sure you have said bottle of milk, and then while you are feeding, they are most likely pumping to maintain supply and avoid engorgement. Not quite as relaxing as bath time.

It is usually a better idea to use this first month mastering milk production and then begin pumping and sharing some of the feeds. Babies are also learning how to master latching, sucking and swallowing which are all survival skills. Taking a bottle is a bit different so consider your baby’s needs. It is easier for them to skill build if they are only learning one skill at a time.

Many lactation professionals will recommend at least 2 weeks of good feeding before beginning to pump so figure out what is working best for your family. Remember, there is no lack of childcare tasks for you to do – you can stay quite busy and connect with your baby through other activities, and you will find your own special ways to bond with your baby.

Stock the Stations

Set up 1-2 designated spaces for feeding. The main living space is the most reasonable option because they are about to clock a lot of hours at this new job and isolation in a random part of this house might make it well…isolating. Some people do prefer a more private space or need a back up space if visitors are present so plan accordingly.

The feeding space should include:

comfortable, spacious chair – rocking chairs can be too narrow
feeding or support pillows
cart or shelf to organize bits & bobs
nightlight or book light for keeping it dim at night
snacks – easy to eat with one hand

hydration – just keep the water flowing
chargers
remote, books, things to do
breast pump & parts
optional extras: nipple cream, breast pads or other paraphernalia

Practice other Skills

Babies need so much more care than just feeding. Breasts are also more than just food so keep in mind that babies are finding comfort in mom’s arms with close contact. They are already attuned to that body from pregnancy and are familiar with the smells, sounds and tastes. That body needs a break too though!

Family, friends or other parents can also take care of the many infant needs outside of milk including:

diaper changes
burping
bathing
changing clothes
soothing – singing, walking, rocking
attention
sleeping
comfort
more diapers!

Learn to Share

Breasts are a body part with dual purpose – they can be both fun and functional, sexual and nutritious. You are both relating to them in a new way.

Navigating lactating bodies & breasts is new for everyone. First, let them recover from childbirth which is usually beyond that 6 week mark that you have an alert set for on your calendar.

Human hormones post birth are designed for natural birth control – less vaginal lubrication and lower sex drive will do the trick! Some breastfeeders are so touched out from feeding for hours that any extra stimulation is a no go anyway.

Nipples may be sore, healing or leaking milk. There might be a lot of additional add ins to the breastfeeding bra like absorbent nursing pads or nipple cream. Super sexy!

Oxytocin is a hormone that fills multiple roles. Think about it as the great ejector: sperm, babies, placentas, milk. It helps us feel connected and loved, but it also contracts to promote milk flow. Many new parents are shocked when oxytocin is released through orgasm and milk is possibly spraying out simultaneously. This might be a time to keep that bra on with the nursing pads!

This is also a transient time. Your child won’t be latched forever, but you might have to be the mature one and give them plenty of share time for a while. The American Academy of Pediatrics actually recommends your child receive human milk for 24 months so don’t rush it.

Learn more about the Benefits of Human Milk & current AAP recommendations on breastfeeding your baby.

Still Protect the Space

Protecting the birth environment now shifts into protecting the feeding environment. Oxytocin flows best in a safe, protected space and it pushes out babies as well as pushing out milk.

Remember the oxytocin-friendly setting: dim, warm, relaxing music, safe touch and no unwanted people watching.

Make sure that visitors are limited to only helpers early on. Learning to feed a new baby is not a spectator sport. Frequent, unwanted visitors can inhibit feeding freely which impacts establishing a good milk supply as well as your baby having a good meal.

There is nothing wrong with openly feeding a hungry baby regardless of who is present, but if it decreases the likelihood that your partner feeds in the open, then curb the visits.

Logistics

Sometimes, early support is calling the closest lactation consultant and getting everyone ready and out the door. Trust me, quite a feat in the early weeks!

You might be required to be an extra set of hands to hold a breast, put on their nipple shield, help a baby latch, add the pillow supports or assist with position. (check out the dad with the twins) Sometimes 2 hands just isn’t enough to navigate this learning stage.

If they are pumping milk, you can become an expert at washing pump parts, assembling the pump, storing and thawing milk or any of the many interesting things that go into the process.

Birth was just the beginning!

Emotional Support

A postpartum parent recovering from birth and learning to lactate is in a very tender transition, physically and emotionally.

In addition to physical support, don’t forget the emotional side of feeding. Being your child’s sole support of nutrition can feel heavy sometimes.

Just like in birth, most parents need to feel like they are doing a good job so verbalize that. Let them know you see how hard they are working, cheer them on and literally only bring good vibes to the boob space. Milk flows with oxytocin so make them feel relaxed, loved, valued and appreciated. They seriously just grew an entire human and are now busy making milk to help that baby thrive!

If there are feeding challenges, many parents feel deflated and need an extra boost. If bodyfeeding is not going as planned, there are many ways to support it, but just keep in mind that emotions may be running high.

There are a myriad of ways to support your partner & baby while they establish early feeding. Don’t feel left out if you don’t lactate, you are an integral part to milk making success!

Partner Support

Practical Suggestions for Partners & Families to Support Lactation

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